My meditations tonight have brought to light some very interesting things…deeply seeded things within my own mind that I am glad to finally have out. They have slowly tortured my mind without my conscious mind even knowing, sapping my emotions and draining me of energy. I believe this may have been the source of the string of massive migraines I have had lately.
My life has changed quite dramatically in the last few months and as hard as I may have tried to seem calm and collected, the sad truth is, on the inside I was hurting more than even I realized. I have come to terms with this now and perhaps with that understanding, I can heal and move on.
I have sabotaged myself in so many ways these last few months. I have isolated myself, slipped in my coursework, and made too many excuses. In my defense, I never realized that I was doing it. The mind sometimes does that to people, it says it’s for the better and maybe it is for a time…but at some point one has to realize that it is not a good thing anymore and that they must learn to deal with the real issue.
Anyone who knows me knows that I have two abilities (though I find it hard to admit these sometimes). One is that I am always able to get someone to tell me how they feel, it is a gift really…and sometimes a curse. Secondly, I have an uncanny ability to make those around me laugh….most of the time it is a good thing, except in these situations. In this situation I hid behind it…making others laugh so that they were too distracted to see the pain behind the mask; my mask.
Since I have failed to deal with this as I should, my mind has felt compelled to gain my attention in the only manner it knew how. It’s interesting to note that while I was meditating, the instant I made these realizations, my head stopped hurting. I have been dealing with these migraines and headaches for almost a week and then all of the sudden it is gone.
I love who I am. I love that I have abilities that make others smile and that I am able to help those around me. I love all those things about myself…but I need to help myself now. I need to focus on healing. I need to stop the isolation and stop torturing myself with possibilities and just do it. I need to find my balance again, my center. I need to focus on what matters and my goals…MY goals, not someone else’s. I need to find myself again. I need to re-learn who I am. I need to not let anyone in my life who threatens that.
If you are reading this, you must care at least a little bit. Thank you for that. I hope you will help me in my journey.
Life is ever-changing…
